Welcome to Bliss at Eighty Percent! I created this blog to help women with depression, anxiety and/or perfectionism thrive. I focus on tools and tricks to simplify and organize our lives to make our days easier, happier and more enjoyable. Over the years I have gained many tools to cope with my mental illness from therapy and personal research. I would love to share them with you. First, let us get to know each other.
Let me take you back a few years. I did everything “right.” Went to school, got good grades, got a job in my field, got married to a wonderful man. I had hobbies, I loved nature and crochet and swimming. I was fit and pretty. I had great friends and a loving family. I had success in most things I tried. We had enough money to pay our bills and travel a little bit. I had a myriad of things I was grateful for.
I should have been happy.
In spite of all this I was miserable. I looked in the mirror and saw a fat, sad loser. I never wanted to do the things I enjoyed. My depression made me feel tired, sad and defeated all the time. I had stopped doing everything I loved. I didn’t want to see friends or family. I felt like a failure if I didn’t accomplish 100% of the tasks I planned to do. I could do 99 things in a day but only focus on the one thing I didn’t do. Perfectionism tore me up inside. Anxiety ripped me up like tissue paper. I hid it the best I could. Everyone thought I had it all together but on the inside I was a crumbling mess. I always headed the advice “change your attitude” I believed it was all in my head and I clearly wasn’t trying hard enough. That is how we deal with mental illness in this country so that is how I have dealt with mine. I went to a therapist to see what I could do to change my terrible attitude. I told her how miserable I have been feeling, how nothing makes me happy, how I feel like the universe is punishing me for being a bad person. I told her I did NOT want to take any sort of medication, I have seen people on those medications and it messes with them, they lose their personality. With sympathy and kindness she explained to me that it wasn’t my fault that I have been feeling this way. It is truly a physiological problem in my brain where the serotonin is not being absorbed by the correct receptors so I actually cannot feel happy. “You have depression.” She said. I was not surprised as there is a history of depression and suicide in my family. I asked her how to deal with it naturally since medication was not an option. “Cassandra, you are ill. If you had diabetes you would take medication to get well. This is no different.” She encouraged me to talk to my doctor, he agreed with her and, although I thought I would never do it, I got a prescription for an anti depressant. Within weeks of taking the medication and seeing a therapist my life changed. I slowly started liking myself… and then even loving myself. I became confident, energetic, happy. I always hated when people say you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself but I found that the more I love myself the more energy, time, and affection I have for those around me.
I felt like my depression was hot coals in my heart burning me up from the inside for as long as I could remember but, with professional help, I rose from the smoldering remains of my broken soul and flew out a phoenix, beautiful, alive and free.
I have worked with my therapist since then to continue to improve the way I see life. She taught me that I don’t need to be disappointed if I don’t do something 100% perfectly but instead to be happy with achieving 80%. Letting go of the perfectionism has been blissful. Hence the name Bliss at Eighty Percent.
There is this stigma about mental illness, like it is a dirty little secret, like it is the box you hide in the back of your closet with your ex’s photos. We have to stop treating it that way. Three truths I have learned in my struggle 1. Medication does not change who you are. You are still you but with properly functioning serotonin. 2. Mental illness is not weakness. It is a disease. A lot of us are untreated. 3. Contrary to what makeup companies, magazines, weight loss products and television want us to think, IT IS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF. It is okay to think you are beautiful. Everyone deserves to be happy and love themself. If you are not happy and do not love yourself I encourage you to speak to a professional and get help for yourself. You deserve it.
I hope that if this speaks to you you will join me on my journey to find Bliss at Eighty Percent.
With love,
Cassandra